Madd Observations

I do this every morning. It seems dangerous, but I must. Things go whizzing by me, large black circular things. Large slabs come down hard near me, some just missing me. Some seem to be somewhat soft as the noise they make is more of a thud; some are harder and slower and make more of a clunk. I must continue on until I reach the ivy. Where it is safe. Where I can sleep in the coolness for the day. I leave a trail behind me that seems to interest some of the large beings. 

At night, I travel across this vast hard surface to the grass. The grass has less coverage, but it provides a lot of food for me. I like the pieces that are freshly cut and just starting to decay. But in the morning, I have to get back to my hiding place in the ivy. There are several of us who make this trip. It takes a long time and there are many things that threaten to crush me, but I continue this trek each morning just the same.

Madd, Madd life

Well, as of a couple months ago Paul now has a LOT of time to look for a better job. Yes, he was again laid off. The company he worked for all but closed. They could not pay anyone and told everyone to go home - all but the owner and his assistant. On top of that, they still (two months later) have not paid Paul all that he is owed. The company still owes him about $1000. Paul seems to be getting more depressed about it all, which makes it hard for him to be motivated to look for work. I know he wants to work, but he applies and gets no responses at all. His resume looks impressive; perhaps appearing to be too old with all the experience he has? We are both just not sure.

If you are out there and hire people, consider older workers. Although I am sure they come with their own set of problems, they do have experience and wisdom, and they will most likely be with your company until retirement, if you keep them on. Thus, your efforts at training are not lost on a younger worker who will leave in a year or two. Paul has at least 13 years left in his employment life, and he just needs a good company to trust in his abilities.

I have vowed that by February 2015 I will close my home business. I will either give it to another who I will train or just close it altogether; though I will find someone for my clients to use. I cannot do this too much longer. It is killing me slowly.

Such is life...

The Madd-ness Improves!

I am constantly amazed at how life changes and takes a person through hills and valleys and through all kinds of trials. Much of the last few years will sound simple, but it has been extremely stressful. First I need to say that I can't thank God enough for looking after me throughout the years of my life. No, my life has not always gone as I hoped, planned, wished - but God has seen me through all aspects - all trials, all joys, and God knows my path and will guide my path if I only listen and follow. Second I want to say that my trials are minescule when compared to some others in this world; however, they are what I live and what I concern myself over - what I stress over.

Almost four years ago, Paul and I were married. He had a good job where he had worked for a cumulative of 23 years - good benefits, 5 weeks of paid vacation, he was a supervisor/manager, and his subordinates seemed to work well with him. Paul was contribuing $1500 to our bills, helping pay the mortgage, cable, groceries, etc. We were looking forward to many years of vacations together, traveling the world, working, and just living life. Six months later, he was laid off along with 50-plus others on that same day (yep, right near the beginning of the collapse of the economy here in the U.S.). Fortunately he was given a six-month severence; unfortunately it took him almost two years to find a new job. The good? He got a lot of stuff done around the house! When he did find that new job, the pay was the same as he was bringing home on unemployment. In the midst of him finding out about his layoff, I was able to apply for and get a promotion at my work.

So now, we have two houses to contend with. Yes, Paul's daughters are "renting" his house, but what they pay only covers the interest-only payment on the house. It does not cover any upkeep, any problems that may arise (termites), and certainly not any income so we can fix up our residence or Paul's classic cars and get them running. So there really is no benefit to having the house other than a place to store some of Paul's stuff and a place for his daugther's to live. Now Courtner is going to move to Las Vegas so we need to sell. A week or two after setting the asking price, the realtor is talking about lowering it and a possible short-sale - losing money. However, yesterday, just three weeks after it went up for sale, we received a full price offer! Although nothing is set until the escrow closes, this is VERY good news. With only one house to focus on, maybe we can fix things in our house. Maybe Paul can concentrate on getting a better job (higher paying). Maybe SOMEDAY I can quit this second job that I have and actually go to school and get a certificate or even a Degree! Maybe....

Madd Christian

I am Christian. I do not apologize. I believe in God and that Jesus Christ came to this earth to suffer and die and rose from the dead in order to pay for my sins. I have faith. I have faith that God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) loves me and that I will go to heaven after I die. I have faith that I am forgiven for the wrongs I have committed; for the pain I have inflicted on myself and others.

I do not hate. I do not hate anyone for their beliefs or ideals or wishes or loves or even hates. I believe that God loves ALL people and everything He created on this earth – yes, I believe God created the earth. I believe that God loves all people but may not love all that His people do. I do not wish ill to anyone. Since I believe that heaven is where God is and where God’s love is, I believe you have to believe in God, love God, and believe in what He has done for us (sending his Son) in order to be invited in. I wish this for all people, especially those that I deeply love. Why wouldn't I?

Friend and neighbor, please do not be afraid that I will try to convince you to believe what I believe. If you are interested, I will tell you. If you want to understand, I will try to help you understand - though I am not sure I can, as I only understand what I do by faith. I am a fairly private person and often keep my beliefs to myself. I don't want to offend. I often cannot explain them to your satisfaction. It is faith. I don't know where to back up my beliefs with written fact. It is faith. I do not know the Bible by heart or as well as I probably should. I have faith. I also have a relationship with my God.

So just know that I love you. I have compassion for all people and do not hate anyone. I pray for so many things that it boggles my mind. I can't imagine being God and having your heart broken by so much that happens in the world. Just the small portion that I know breaks my heart almost daily. So I try not to think of it. I love and I have faith.

Madd Thoughts

Thoughts. What to think. What do people want me to think? What is it "they" are trying to make me think? Everything can be said in a way that sways thought or decision. Two people can describe a scene in two totally different ways that can make you think of the scene completely different. I don't liike my thoughts being manipulated, but they are manipulated daily. Our thoughts are manipulated from birth. Is this bad? Perhaps not. Perhaps in order to be a part of society, our thoughts must be manipulated. But to what extent and when should it stop?

Every news article I read or broadcast I hear or see, can be picked apart and reworded to give an entirely different 'feel.' Case in point :

"A teenager was runover and killed today while trying to catch a bus."
or
"A gun weilding man was killed today after the bus ran him over while the driver attempted to escape a bus-jacking incident."

Both these reports could be the same incident. The "man" is 18; still a teenager, but the feel is totally different. As a "teenager" he is not yet an adult and does not seem as responsible. The first statement sounds as though he was attempting to ride the bus and perhaps got in the way, or the bus driver was incompetent. The second statement not only has more information (gun weilding) but has a different feel just with the designation that it was a "man" instead of "teenager". Yet this man is also 18 (an adult) yet still technically a teenager - being eighTEEN. Here he was trying to catch the bus, but you understand it was for an illegal or harmful purpose. You no longer feel as badly for the man, as he was attempting to do harm. However, in the first statement, this person could have been attempting to do harm also, yet becuase of hte way it is reported, you have more compassion and have a different feel for the story and the person.

These may be extreme examples, but listen. Just listen to what people are really telling you. Listen to the facts and ask yourself if the facts were stated differently, would the story be different? What is the reporter leaving out? What has the reporter embellished for his or her viewpoint? What words has the reporter used to convey his or her viewpoint. Is that your viewpoint? Do you really have all the information?

Listen with your ears but mostly listen with your brain, your heart, your common sense, and your innate intelligence. Listen. Listen. Listen and descern.

A Madd Morning

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I am afraid of the people I love dying, being taken from me too early. Today, my stepdaughters' stepfather was killed in a motorcycle accident. It happens in a moment and perhaps when you least expect it. I remember all too well that day the doctor gave us the diagnosis of Ron's brain tumor. We had nine months to hope and to say goodbye and to prepare, yet in that one moment of the doctor's strange words, our lives were turned upside down. Life is precious. The loss is devastating. We live through it. We go on. Still, I fear the devastation of the call that one of my children have been killed or seriously injured or lost or... How can I lose this fear? I try to trust, I try to let go, I try to know that my fears are irrational. But I still fear. I want to protect, but I know that I cannot. I want to be free of this fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

A Madd Walk

"When it hits the papers, you don't want to be at home," she says as I walk by. What?! And I am not in a place where I can stop to listen without it being obvious. What was she talking about. I can conjure up so many stories in my head of what it might be. Is it something good? Like winning the lotto? or is it something bad, like something bad that person did. Or maybe it was a public figure that did something really news worthy, most likely illegal or immoral. I think the person I heard on the phone was an attorney advising her client. Just conjecture. Hmmm, I guess I'll have to keep an eye on the papers.